Rule Number 1 - Never Go The Obvious Way
If you are playing a game and you have a choice of 2 paths always, ALWAYS, go down the one which doesn't look like the way forward. If, by some hideous mistake, you pick the one which actually develops the plot, or which goes towards your stated objective, then make every effort you can to backtrack the other way. It is extremely rare for game designers to put genuine dead ends into a game. Every option usually has something at its end and you will be missing cool secret stuff by actually trying to achieve your stated goal. In order to succeed you need to get every advantage you can, and this is only possible by exploring every nook and cranny. If you actually try to do what the game is asking you to with the minimum of fuss, and in a timely and efficient manner, then you are likely to miss out on a huge amount of the content and finish some games in a ridiculously short time (Hi Dishonored!) Games are designed for their players to be obsessive treasure and secret hunters not a normal well-adjusted person like you. Remember this.
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| Trousers in Diablo III. |
Let's talk about crafting. There was a time, in the really early days of gaming, when you were given a spaceship, or a small round yellow pill-eating thing and left to get on with it. Gradually, however, players began to be able to improve their on-screen representatives; usually by levelling them, buying new equipment or picking up stuff that was being stored in a crate somewhere. This greater flexibility came about organically over a period of many years but it suffered a major innovation relatively recently. For in a game development meeting somewhere, somebody must have suddenly sat bolt upright in their chair and shouted "Eureka! Why not let the players make their own trousers?" and that is where we are at today. These days any game worth its salt will let the player combine materials in order to make their own equipment, clothing, weapons etc. Of course the downside to this is that now everybody is wandering about loaded down with bits of twig and scraps of cloth - like one of those hoarders who think that their flat-filling collection of plastic bags will come in useful one day. Games - treating you like you have a mental illness since 1975.
Rule Number 3 - Nick Everything, You Might Need It
This rule counts double if you are playing a Japanese game (you can tell, all the characters will look about 13, with huge spiky hair and they'll be dressed like an Australian's nightmare) but in most games you can walk into somebody's house, go up to their bedroom, rifle through their underwear drawer, take out their favourite pants, put them on your head whilst shouting "I'VE GOT YOUR PANTS ON MY HEAD!" and they will not even bat an eyelid. In fact they'll probably be asking you to go and get them 5 lots of wheat from the next village along as you do it. There are notable exceptions to this, such as the Elder Scrolls games, but in most cases you can take whatever you want, from whoever you want and nothing will happen. Go on! March on in! Help yourself!
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| Probably a Rocket Launcher. Or a Sword of Crafting. Or a Master Key |
Nobody knows when crates officially became the most important thing ever. One day there were no crates and then the next... there they were! Everywhere! Thousands of the buggers, infesting every game ever made and just demanding to be smashed! I know that, in the real world, 4 foot high wooden boxes are usually limited to warehouses and military storage depots - probably not places you come into contact with every day - but in games they are unavoidable. And, not only this, but they have a wide range of purposes. You can pull them and push them, you can break them, you can jump on top of them to reach high ledges and baddies will often store critical security passes or fantastically valuable items in them. If you see a crate then ignore everything else and go and try to see what it does straight away. You won't be sorry.
Rule Number 5 - You're a Mapmaking Superstar Hero
Don't worry about getting lost. Once again game designers are here to help you. They are your friends. In almost every game made since about 1990 the player has had access to an automatically completed map, and often this will take the form of a "minimap" displayed in a corner of your screen. What's more, if you are playing pretty much anything released after Grand Theft Auto III then that map will also show you where all of the locally accessible minigames and sidequests are as well. It doesn't matter if you're Batman, the Dragonborn, a kid stuck on a tropical island or an Eastern European low-level hoodlum, it will be there. You need never pay any attention to your surroundings again, but do remember to check it occasionally in order to make sure you haven't missed any dead ends (see Rule No. 1).
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| Big bloody Jessie. |
I first noticed that nothing bloody matters in games when Bioshock came out. In Bioshock there are these huge guys in diving suits called Big Daddies and they are TOUGH. They have a drill for a hand and they're about 8 foot tall - they take a lot of beating. Wow. Proper challenge huh? Well yeah, they killed me loads of times but nothing bloody mattered because, when I died, I was reborn in a chamber about 20 metres away. And, as if that wasn't bad enough, the Big Daddy was still as damaged as when I left him. All I needed to do was continually run at him and wear him down until he stopped getting up. Nothing could hurt me and what could have been an epic encounter became something totally devoid of challenge or accomplishment. For me that ruined a game which had loads of other really good bits in it, but it's something that is present, to a greater or lesser extent, in most games. Whether it's restarting missions or autosaving your progress every time you go through a door, you will have ample opportunities to correct your mistakes and do that perfect run - so don't fret. Relax! Enjoy yourself!
Rule Number 7 - Baddies are Stupid
Right, picture this. You're an evil genius with control over a small army of hand picked mercenary henchmen. You know that, somewhere, a pesky hero is plotting to get into your secret volcano base to rescue some hostages or whatever else it is that bunch do for kicks. The only way into said base is through a massive security door - 5 layers of military grade strengthened titanium - impervious to anything less than a tactical nuclear weapon. And, obviously, you need a way to open this door so that you can go to the shops and get your milk, so you have a key. What do you do with this key to keep it safe? If you are a normal evil genius you make sure it is either on your person or in a big vault INSIDE the security door. However, if you are a game's evil genius then you will place that key in (almost definitely) a crate or (less likely) a desk drawer OUTSIDE the door - so that the hero can easily gain access. If, for some unexplainable reason, you don't do this then you will ensure that you leave the base's extensive network of ventilation shafts unlocked and unguarded. If you're playing a game and you can't see the way forward then just look about for a bit, there will be some unspeakably stupid security lapse just around the corner - guaranteed.
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| A panacea for the world's ills |
You will find yourself getting shot at a lot in games (or stabbed or run over, or whatever.) Try not to worry too much though because, once again, the system is there to help you. Most game characters make Wolverine look like a little old lady with a dodgy hip and they can usually recover from life threatening wounds by merely applying bandages or eating some kind of herb. If you're playing one of those games with the swords and the dragons and that then it'll be a potion which miraculously restores you. If you're playing Halo then all you need to do is crouch behind a crate for a few seconds and you'll heal yourself. Sometimes you're even allowed to stop time while you do it. Basically if you ever die in a game then you're probably a terrible loser.
Rule Number 9 (and 9a) - Pick Your Battles
This rule has a sub-rule. The sub-rule is that anything that is released on a yearly basis is a rip off - whether that's FIFA, Madden, NHL, Tiger Woods, Call of Duty or whatever. There is little substantive difference between, for example, FIFA 12 and FIFA 13 and certainly not enough to justify another 50 quid. If you feel the need to buy these games every time they come out then fine, you go ahead, I'm not your Dad and it's your money; but accept that one day you will come home drunk from the pub, stick 12 in the Xbox instead of 13 and you won't even notice the difference. Now games like FIFA are probably the most obvious example of this but, in fact, lots of games are extremely similar - this is, after all, why I am able to draw up lists like this. There's nothing wrong with that but there is also a bit of a revolution going on in gaming at the moment. Kickstarter has made it much easier for developers to raise funds and this, combined with the ability for them to sell directly over the internet from their own sites to the consumer, has meant that they are much freer to make the games they want to, rather than the ones that they are told to by the big publishers. There are thousands of games being made and some of them are actually trying to do some really interesting things - or at least not just serving up another "open world" first person shooter with a minimap and weapon upgrades. So get out there and see what's on offer.
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| You go, Tiger! |
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